How the countryside might look if the Loonies formed a government

Electors are being offered radical new policies for the outdoors by one of the parties vying for votes.

Among the manifesto pledges are a ban on tractors driving on roads, and the establishment of a government department to implement a scheme to paint contour lines on hills to aid navigation. Roads would also be painted the same colour as on maps, so people know where they are.

The vexed issue of the European Constitution could also be solved by taking a long walk because, according to the manifesto, a long walk is good for the constitution.

And all buildings would have to be fitted with air-conditioning units – on the outside – to combat global warming.

The policies have little chance of implementation however; they are part of the manifesto of the Monster Raving Loony Party, none of whose candidates has ever saved their deposit at a general election.

Also included in the party’s clutch of ideas are the banning of hunting, as well as fly-swatting and eating plants on the grounds of cruelty.

The Isle of Man would be renamed the Isle of Men, Women, Children and Some Animals – or possibly just the Isle of Person – for accuracy.

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party was founded by the late Screaming Lord Sutch in 1982. Bookmakers William Hill has offered candidates a free bet on the number of votes they gain in an effort to offset the likely loss of their £500 deposit.

William Hill media relations director Graham Sharpe said: “We believe that parties like the Loony Party are an essential part of British democracy and eccentricity and that the world would be a poorer place if there was no room in politics for a little harmless levity.

The bookies are also offering odds of 1 million to one on the party’s leader Alan Hope becoming the next Prime Minister and more realistic odds of 50-1 for a candidate to keep his or her deposit.

The party is aiming to stand in at least 50 constituencies.